love yourself first ❥

i think a lot of people wonder why my bio in EVERY social media is " love yourself first. " this is my favorite quote, its been my favorite since i was i 4th grade. i love it so much because im so insecure about myself, the quote kinda helps me. i mean, i still havent learned to love myself .. yet! today, yesterday, last week, last month, this whole semester isnt working out for me. it really dosent help if people are gonna talk shit. i mean, who dosent talk shit about others? but im only saying this because people say things, when they dont know the whole story. i hope everyone has a better perspective of things now, and that people learned about what the meeting was about today. yeah, i laugh, talk A LOT, and i jump around all happy in front of all of you, but deep down, im so ashamed of walking into A101 without thinking that all of you hate me, and always will hate me. I dont think ive walked in to A101 atleast once knowing im wanted, i feel very unwanted by all of you. and dont disagree with me because i know how annoying i am and when you guys see me walk in you guys are probably like " oh here the loud irritating bitch again " and i totally get why you would say that, yes im loud, irritating, and the rudest bitch in the room. its my personality lol. well, the feeling of being unwanted is pretty hard, i know youve all felt that way. maybe to some of you, youve felt this way. youve felt unwanted because 1 person talks shit behind your back, but imagine your homeroom talking shit about you? i dont think you guys could argue with me about this because someone from leadership(im not gonna say who) told me that when me, korey or laila isnt around you guys talk shit about us, sucks right? your whole homeroom is against you? for me, i love period 2. i tell them my problems and i even told mr ing, i told him that i look up to period 2, and that one day when i was crying i asked him if i could go next door because i cant stand seeing period 2 see me crying, but there rlly was no difference, because i know for a damn fact, half of you didnt give a fuck about what happen, or how i feel. I CANT EVEN WALK INTO THE ROOM WITHOUT THINKING THAT ALL OF YOU HATE ME. isnt there someting frickin wrong with that!? I DONT THINK YOU GUYS RLLY UNDERSTAND THE MEETING WE HAD TODAY RLLY MEANT. it really frickin irritates me, that im still gonna walk into A101 tomorrow thinking you all hate me, and that you all are still gonna talk shit about me. whats even the point of coming to school tomorrow, i ask my mom if she can let em trasnfer schools AGAIN because i feel so unwanted in that room, i love running away from my problems, i love letting people get to me, i know i bitch at all of you, i know i offend you guys a lot, but i always joke around that way and you should know i never really mean to hurt you. is it wrong that id rlly like to self harm myself because of knowing that all of you make me feel like i dont belong in there, im not saying im gonna cut myself or anything, but i feel like i have to, and if i do, you guys wont care, you guys are probably just gonna be like " aw dont do that " and shit but its not like you mean it. DO ALL OF YOU MIND ATLEAST FRICKIN APOLOGIZING FOR TALKING SHIT? i know this isnt sincere, and im not planning for it to be, i dont want it to be, because i find it really frickin rude that none of you had the balls to apologize about things youve guys said about me/us. it would help if you guys actually found out the real story behind things before talking shit, it would help if you guys asked mr.ing why he  favors us before talking shit. MAYBE IF YOU GUYS TOOK THE TIME TO ACTUAL CREATE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM YOU WOULD BE FAVORED ALSO. instead of talking shit, wondering why you guys dont get favored by mr ing is to find a way to be close with him. We are favored because we took the time to build a relationship with him. shit dosent come to us easy, in fact us 3 gets in trouble for things. i get in trouble too, you guys dont know the problems i put myself into. and this is just how i feel, this isnt to offend any of you. i just ugh. its hard okay? i dont even love myself, im so insecure about myself, and it really dosent frickin help if i KNOW my classmates talk shit, it makes me hate myself instead of learning to love myself. talking shit is easy for all of you, its easy for me, but i end up telling that person anyway. it was so easy for most of you to talk shit, but when you guys were put on the spot, mr.ing gave all of you a chance to say shit you guys say in front of us, whats wrong with that? isnt it better that us 3 know what kinda shit is being tossed around about us in class? i think we deserve to know. soo learn the whole story before you start shit. it really fucking hurts me and i dont think anyone cares about that. That there are 17-18 people in the room against you. im not saying you guys should apologize but it just hurt me that everyone left the table like that. im 100% sure some of you left the table with things in your head that yoou woouldve wanted to say, or talk about to others. i know some of you shared your thoughts to eachother after the meeting, but yeno what? im gonna walk in to class, and im gonna care about what you say, but im gonna be happy and not show any of you how i rlly feel. i think its better that ppl think i dont care about what you say, i mean yeah it hurts me, but why should i show it? there really is no difference, you wouldnt care. no one does, because everyone in leadership is heartless, im calling myself heartless also, so dont be offended lol. well ya, for someone whos still tryna learn how to lover herself, it dosent help if her surroundings make her hate herself even more.