....

Ive kept this blog as a draft for so long, mainly because i keep changing it up and I'm always thinking if anyone still goes on blogger just to look back at how things used to be, and how much things have changed. I do.. Its kind of weird because i left this class on bad terms with a lot of people so if anyone is reading this, you're probably shocked that I'm even still on this site. So far I've only seen the 2 main people make blogs on here, maybe its because of the bond we all had. I pass through Ilima every single day, so of course memories always cross my mind, and all i could think about is how much i miss Leadership, and the memories i made in that class. Im not gonna lie, it was so stressful but Mr.Ing always reminds the class that Relationships are important in the class. Its true, i remember what kind of relationship i had with the small group i was always with in that class. Honestly loved how things were between us 4. I know i left on bad terms and it was the worst timing too, but i don't know what i was really feeling that month, the way i felt about the class and relationships i had in that class, i think it really affected me when the whole class had a problem with what kind of relationship i had with Mr.Ing, Korey and Laila. I really don't know how to explain what happened when i left, but  i really do wish it didn't have to end the way it did. Ever since i left that class, i always thought of finding a way to explain myself to everyone. I don't even know what I'm saying tbh, i don't even think anyone is gonna read this but its okay, i just needed to talk. Im not gonna lie, the last 2 weeks i was out of leadership was fun, i had a lot of freedom. But then i realized how much i NEEDED to be in that class, how much it kept me in check, kept me out of trouble, gave me responsibilities.. learning to be a LEADER. Even though i wasn't a leader for any of the periods, i felt like one, i had a lot of responsibilities in that class, and even though i complained a lot about doing things all the time, i started to miss it so much! I think i played more of a leader role than my own group leaders. Im not gonna talk about what made me leave, i just wanted to thank the person who molded me into becoming the way i am now. I mean, I'm not good.. i still need to improve a lot. But without leadership, if i didn't come back to leadership for my 8th grade year i don't think i wouldn't have got Honor Roll my 1st quarter of 8th grade year, i think i would've been in a lot of drama, i would've been in the office all the time, maybe my grades would've been worse. I apologize for leaving the way i did, but I'm so glad i was given another chance to be in that class. I learned to be more independent, and the lessons I've learned in that class is starting to help me now. The first time i started to feel important in the class was when i was in charge of ISA. Its kind of a small thing, but i looked at it as a big thing! Like cmon now, being in charge of an event is pretty cool, thats when i knew it was a good time to show Mr.Ing i really changed from how i was in my 7th grade year. I remember he made a blog about the changes he seen in our class, one of his paragraphs was about me. How he seen the whole 360 change in me, and I'm gonna assume that he dosent think that way anymore after the way i left, but I'm still here. I still feel like a leader, out of all my friends I'm the only one who can confidently say that i could control what we do in that group. I don't want it to sound bad, but i make the decisions, when things go wrong i end up fixing it, etc. When i get into problems, i do what i used to do in leadership. So many people in that class use to always go in circles trying to solve their problem. They spent more time talking/complaining about it rather than actually fixing it. Thats where some went wrong, you can't just talk it out and expect things to be ok later. When i got into a problem, i went straight to the person who was affected by it. I went straight to the person i knew that would help me not only solve it but learn from it. I STILL DONT KNOW WHAT IM SAYING, I'm literally just going off with whats on my mind. This blog use to be longer but i deleted a few parts. Ill just end this blog by saying, don't ever take advantage of this class. When Mr.Ing says you won't find a class like leadership.. he's right! And when he says that relationships in that class is important, he's right! Basically, he's right about almost everything lol its important to have a good one with everybody in that class, but when you gain trust and get into the inside of someones circle the relationship is so much better! You end looking forward to something, instead of just looking forward to doing a job with your group, its like you get to look forward to learning/having fun with friends! I can't explain it, I'm just happy with the memories i made with the small group of 4 i had in that class(:

Week 37

Well im bout to go to a hotel yeee! but anyway this was such a depressing week for me. like its a little awkward from that meeting, well not awkward its just i was more uncomfortable bc i think ppl still talked shit. i THINK. k.well period 1, in math im doing s good job, ive brought up grades and their looking good hahaha, period 2, well like i been isolating myself ever since the meeting bc of how unwanted i feel with them now. period 3, in social studies we frickin are doing comprises again! im so bad in social studies, like whats even the point of it, i dont understand anything in that class bro. period 4, english, well like we recently presented our speech, and next class were gonna start making a speech about teenage problems and im so ready for that one, i  think imma be good with that speech bc im a teen with choke problems HAHAHA. period 5, in PE. thank god were starting soccer, you guys might see me sweaty more often after period 3, but thats cause were playing soccer and i dont think you guys know how much i love that sport, soccer gives me life yo.period 6, we took HSA. and i have NEVER ever passed my HSA. it hsa never reached 300, well i got 283, which is worse bc my highest was 290, lol oops.

Highlight for the week was well going to this hotel is pretty killahhhss, like im so excited. we never really do go to these kinds of things because my mom kills joy and she always says no to things, ahhaha. my lowlight was this whole during the night, because every night i keep thinking about my ex ugh, and like i know were all young and stuff, i but like i frickin miss him darnitt.

Lesson learned, dont expect too much. Just when you think people actually like you, you never know how fake they can be bc they might say youre cool and they wanna be friends with ya, but little do you know, that he/she is actually talking shit bout you  hahahha. whatevs tho dude.

love yourself first ❥

i think a lot of people wonder why my bio in EVERY social media is " love yourself first. " this is my favorite quote, its been my favorite since i was i 4th grade. i love it so much because im so insecure about myself, the quote kinda helps me. i mean, i still havent learned to love myself .. yet! today, yesterday, last week, last month, this whole semester isnt working out for me. it really dosent help if people are gonna talk shit. i mean, who dosent talk shit about others? but im only saying this because people say things, when they dont know the whole story. i hope everyone has a better perspective of things now, and that people learned about what the meeting was about today. yeah, i laugh, talk A LOT, and i jump around all happy in front of all of you, but deep down, im so ashamed of walking into A101 without thinking that all of you hate me, and always will hate me. I dont think ive walked in to A101 atleast once knowing im wanted, i feel very unwanted by all of you. and dont disagree with me because i know how annoying i am and when you guys see me walk in you guys are probably like " oh here the loud irritating bitch again " and i totally get why you would say that, yes im loud, irritating, and the rudest bitch in the room. its my personality lol. well, the feeling of being unwanted is pretty hard, i know youve all felt that way. maybe to some of you, youve felt this way. youve felt unwanted because 1 person talks shit behind your back, but imagine your homeroom talking shit about you? i dont think you guys could argue with me about this because someone from leadership(im not gonna say who) told me that when me, korey or laila isnt around you guys talk shit about us, sucks right? your whole homeroom is against you? for me, i love period 2. i tell them my problems and i even told mr ing, i told him that i look up to period 2, and that one day when i was crying i asked him if i could go next door because i cant stand seeing period 2 see me crying, but there rlly was no difference, because i know for a damn fact, half of you didnt give a fuck about what happen, or how i feel. I CANT EVEN WALK INTO THE ROOM WITHOUT THINKING THAT ALL OF YOU HATE ME. isnt there someting frickin wrong with that!? I DONT THINK YOU GUYS RLLY UNDERSTAND THE MEETING WE HAD TODAY RLLY MEANT. it really frickin irritates me, that im still gonna walk into A101 tomorrow thinking you all hate me, and that you all are still gonna talk shit about me. whats even the point of coming to school tomorrow, i ask my mom if she can let em trasnfer schools AGAIN because i feel so unwanted in that room, i love running away from my problems, i love letting people get to me, i know i bitch at all of you, i know i offend you guys a lot, but i always joke around that way and you should know i never really mean to hurt you. is it wrong that id rlly like to self harm myself because of knowing that all of you make me feel like i dont belong in there, im not saying im gonna cut myself or anything, but i feel like i have to, and if i do, you guys wont care, you guys are probably just gonna be like " aw dont do that " and shit but its not like you mean it. DO ALL OF YOU MIND ATLEAST FRICKIN APOLOGIZING FOR TALKING SHIT? i know this isnt sincere, and im not planning for it to be, i dont want it to be, because i find it really frickin rude that none of you had the balls to apologize about things youve guys said about me/us. it would help if you guys actually found out the real story behind things before talking shit, it would help if you guys asked mr.ing why he  favors us before talking shit. MAYBE IF YOU GUYS TOOK THE TIME TO ACTUAL CREATE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM YOU WOULD BE FAVORED ALSO. instead of talking shit, wondering why you guys dont get favored by mr ing is to find a way to be close with him. We are favored because we took the time to build a relationship with him. shit dosent come to us easy, in fact us 3 gets in trouble for things. i get in trouble too, you guys dont know the problems i put myself into. and this is just how i feel, this isnt to offend any of you. i just ugh. its hard okay? i dont even love myself, im so insecure about myself, and it really dosent frickin help if i KNOW my classmates talk shit, it makes me hate myself instead of learning to love myself. talking shit is easy for all of you, its easy for me, but i end up telling that person anyway. it was so easy for most of you to talk shit, but when you guys were put on the spot, mr.ing gave all of you a chance to say shit you guys say in front of us, whats wrong with that? isnt it better that us 3 know what kinda shit is being tossed around about us in class? i think we deserve to know. soo learn the whole story before you start shit. it really fucking hurts me and i dont think anyone cares about that. That there are 17-18 people in the room against you. im not saying you guys should apologize but it just hurt me that everyone left the table like that. im 100% sure some of you left the table with things in your head that yoou woouldve wanted to say, or talk about to others. i know some of you shared your thoughts to eachother after the meeting, but yeno what? im gonna walk in to class, and im gonna care about what you say, but im gonna be happy and not show any of you how i rlly feel. i think its better that ppl think i dont care about what you say, i mean yeah it hurts me, but why should i show it? there really is no difference, you wouldnt care. no one does, because everyone in leadership is heartless, im calling myself heartless also, so dont be offended lol. well ya, for someone whos still tryna learn how to lover herself, it dosent help if her surroundings make her hate herself even more.

2014 banquet ღ

w0www its been 2 months .. and i still miss my ex. haha, today i was at a party and i saw him ugh. so my weeeek., hmm. in period 1, math; i still hate bertrand, i mean like he called me 4th grader!? like um okay, f u. but were learnign about slopes & like y-intercepts and stuff like that. in period 2, leadership; well like we had to defend our boardsssss and stuffysss, basically all we did(x LOL. i think? idks i dont remember really. in period 3, socil studies; well i gotta finish up my essay still and i guess i never really took the time to finish it bc im a lazy axx person but i really gottta do it bc my grades gon drop to an F. haah. in period 4, engglish; we had to makes drafts for our darfur speech, its really easy tho. im done, and on tuesday we have to present it! ahhhhh! okay period 5, pe; well like we started on soccer! and for sure im gonna love coming to pe now bc i love soccer so much. in period 6, science; we learned about galaxies, so we had to make a foldable and we took a test. when we took the test, when i was tunring in my work, my friend told me my answer was wrong and mrs.seigaku caught us erasing our papers and i had to throw my test away not her! like wtf!!

My highlight fort he week has to be banquet! i loved banquet so much, i had loads of fun. although i had to work, that was fun too. being in charge and help set up the banquet was fun, plus mr.ing did me and lailas hair before banquet, surprisingly. lolol. my lowlight is off topic but i miss my ex heh.

Lesson learned is to have fun! events like banquet made me really happy, and i guess what i mean for my lesson is to be happy with your friends and enjoy etc ya hahah okay bye

Personal Display Board ✿

So we had a personal display board to do, and basically we needed to put 10 items on the board that was important to you, but it had to relevant to leadership. Well last period 2, and today during period 2 we had to defend our personal display boards, its like mr.ing asks us questions about our board and we gotta answer them, but yeaaah. On my board, i had an acceptance letter, something about what happens in leadership, one of my blogs about transformation, my honor roll certificate, papers from planning out ISA, my name tag and a letter from mr.ing.

Highlight for this display board was throwing myself off looking for things that has to do with leadership, i was literally searching my room for things lol, but while tryna find things for my board, i found so much other things from last year and it made me smile yeno, the memories, i couldnt add them to my board bc they werent really something thats important but yeah. lowlight is obviously not finishing up my board, i know it isnt fair but i guess i just never find the time to go to a102 and take my board back home to finish it, wow i suck dont i. LOL.

Lesson from this assignment i dont really know, but i guess looking back makes you remember a lot of things, like the first time we defended our boards mr.ing asked me about my honor roll .. he asked why it was important to me and i remember saying something like " i know i can actually reach 3.5 " as my gpa, and stuff and i guess it was just really good to hear that come out of my mouth bc lately ive been giving up.

ill post better pictures tomorrow!

im bad at this

wow, i slack the loads yo. like, im so late and i had this morning to do this but i dont know man. too much on my mind probably. idk but ive been such a sad human lately, what a surprise!(not really) i mean, i asked my parents to give me a therapist i dont think they knew how serious i was being. like, i got school stress, family stress, friends stress. and my family is i dont even know. they stress me out, sometimes i just wanna die or run away, i mean i could run away, ive done it millions of times, lol. but i guess lately theyve been bringing up my REAL dad and i pretty much hate him but hes been tryna call me but i always reject it and they force me to answer his calls but hes rejected me my whole life, i dont get why he thinks im okay to answer him now, he dosent even support me and im literally crying making this blog rn lmfao. but anyway, i guess im just mad that he has never supported my growing up, even with the distance he could try atleast sending some money, or calling me on holidays to greet me, i used to call him and greet him when i was little, i used to wait for him .. thinking hes gonna come see me, but i guess i grew up learning to hate him more and more each day when i finally realized he wont come and see me, and this is basically what i always think of every night now, i know im not the only one that goes through this or feels this way.. but all i want was my father watching me graduate highschool, walk down the aisle when i get married, etc... other than that, theres been a problem in leadership and now im so shame to walk into the room .. or just even existing in that class im ashamed. i know i shouldnt feel awkward in the class, but i do now bc i feel like im doing EVERYTHING wrong. i mean i always feel like i do things wrong, but im dead serious about me not wanting to walk in to a101 bc of how ashamed i am. i even asked my mom to transfer schools lol. i know what im doing is wrong, im tryna run away from my problems, and that isnt an answer but i just feel super ashamed about whats going to happen next, like i think i just ruined someones feelings, and like a bitchy person i am, i actually care about peoples feelings when i see how much it hurts them, ugh. friends .. i dont know anymore. i feel like i betray them sometimes, like i drift from people a lot. and it kinda sucks man. like at pride for ewa, i hung out with a group of friends i havent hung out with in a long time! i missed them all so much man ;( they were my clique in 7th grade hahaha, well yeah, in class i been slacking .. surprise again? not really, i always slack, but this time im not really trying, too much are on my mind during class! i dont know why i cant just push everything outta my mind and put school first, but somehow i only think of the negatives thats going on in my life right now! hahaaha, i gotta get my feelings and life together.

Surprisingly i have a highlight for this week ... my highlight has to be career day! i learned so much, it was a coincidence for me to get a pyschologist because thats actually what i would like to be. id like to help people with their problems when i grow up, only because i feel like ive been though enough that i think i can help people with my own experience. during the 2nd session,  had to tell a story, beginning, middle and an end. before i told my story, i had to say that my story was no where near positive and it dosent have an ending to it. the story i talked about was a girl, who was trapped because there were too many negative things around here, and shes struggling to get to the positive side, where everyone can be happy, and i dont wanna go in detail bc i might just wanna cry, i mean im already crying right now bc my dad keeps tryna call me and im like rejecting it lol, but ya. but another highlight is that i got my banquet dress lolk. my lowlight is probably skipping 2 days of school bc now im way back lol.

Lesson learned, dont forget the difference between your & you're.

practice makes perfect

John doee i just want the john i knowwww! ~~~ LOL thats like my favorite song, well i like the song all in my head from tori kelly its so beast. so this week was full of excitements, sooo on friday, me, laila, korey and mr.ing went to waikele and pearl ridge to buy crowns & tiaras for banquet lol, then we went to fishers to buy banner paper but we failed because it wasnt even there, then we went to paina cafe to eat some bowls!(literally) im joking lol, we ate spicy ahi bowls and stuffyssss. then after we went to the movies to go watch oculus which was not scary at all it basically confuses you to death, then we went to bubbies homemade icecream and it was such a fun day, hopefully we do that again. on saturdayy we had our track meet, i wasnt even prepared for this but like idk, atleast i placed in something. but on my first 400 i did so bad lol, like i dont think i started fast enough and on one of my turns, i did something stupid and turned around and turning around, i saw that i was almost last place and i just thought i should just give up already and towards the end i wasnt even giving it my best already, i thought i was last place but come to find there were 2 more people after me lol woohoo, well after i finished my race i was so mad at myself and i felt like crying but i didnt want to and i had so much anger in me, so i told myself that i better do good on my 4x400, well i did bad because i didnt practice for my race and i totally blame myself for all of this, i ate so much after tho lol, well we placed 3rd on our 4x400, which is good enough for me bc before the race we all planned that we should try being 3rd place hahaha, um today i went to waikele to shop and i got this cute cardigan and i even got and cute tribal crop top, soo yay.

My highlight for this week was on friday, getting to spend a lot of time with mr,ing, korey and laila, i think we shouldve all took one step more into the circle and comfortability, or whatever how you say that hahaha, eating at paina cafe, going movies, and the talks we had in the car on our way home was so funny, we all laughed, especially me, i mean i was spitting on mr.ing the whole time but its okay lol. another highlight for my week was yesterday at the track meet, i had so much fun even tho i wasnt really satisfied with the places i was put in. atleast its the end and now i get my afterschool time free again hahaha but yeaah. another highlight was after mr.ing dropped off me korey and laila we grabbbed my blankets went to the park and had our own fashion show which we called " khrizzella " just like coachella haha, our imaginations were wild.
my last highlight is getting janoskis (:

Lesson for this week, practice makes perfect? lol idk, but i think i wouldve done waay waay better at the track meet with my 400's if i just practiced more, i mean lately ive been getting picked up or i would just sit down on the side and watch everyone practice, plus whenever i do go out to practice, i practice 100's and when i practice my 400's i dont take them serious and i just give up, like i really love running but i guess it gets tiring when you HAVE to run, id rather just run when i want to and like not too hard running kind