im bad at this

wow, i slack the loads yo. like, im so late and i had this morning to do this but i dont know man. too much on my mind probably. idk but ive been such a sad human lately, what a surprise!(not really) i mean, i asked my parents to give me a therapist i dont think they knew how serious i was being. like, i got school stress, family stress, friends stress. and my family is i dont even know. they stress me out, sometimes i just wanna die or run away, i mean i could run away, ive done it millions of times, lol. but i guess lately theyve been bringing up my REAL dad and i pretty much hate him but hes been tryna call me but i always reject it and they force me to answer his calls but hes rejected me my whole life, i dont get why he thinks im okay to answer him now, he dosent even support me and im literally crying making this blog rn lmfao. but anyway, i guess im just mad that he has never supported my growing up, even with the distance he could try atleast sending some money, or calling me on holidays to greet me, i used to call him and greet him when i was little, i used to wait for him .. thinking hes gonna come see me, but i guess i grew up learning to hate him more and more each day when i finally realized he wont come and see me, and this is basically what i always think of every night now, i know im not the only one that goes through this or feels this way.. but all i want was my father watching me graduate highschool, walk down the aisle when i get married, etc... other than that, theres been a problem in leadership and now im so shame to walk into the room .. or just even existing in that class im ashamed. i know i shouldnt feel awkward in the class, but i do now bc i feel like im doing EVERYTHING wrong. i mean i always feel like i do things wrong, but im dead serious about me not wanting to walk in to a101 bc of how ashamed i am. i even asked my mom to transfer schools lol. i know what im doing is wrong, im tryna run away from my problems, and that isnt an answer but i just feel super ashamed about whats going to happen next, like i think i just ruined someones feelings, and like a bitchy person i am, i actually care about peoples feelings when i see how much it hurts them, ugh. friends .. i dont know anymore. i feel like i betray them sometimes, like i drift from people a lot. and it kinda sucks man. like at pride for ewa, i hung out with a group of friends i havent hung out with in a long time! i missed them all so much man ;( they were my clique in 7th grade hahaha, well yeah, in class i been slacking .. surprise again? not really, i always slack, but this time im not really trying, too much are on my mind during class! i dont know why i cant just push everything outta my mind and put school first, but somehow i only think of the negatives thats going on in my life right now! hahaaha, i gotta get my feelings and life together.

Surprisingly i have a highlight for this week ... my highlight has to be career day! i learned so much, it was a coincidence for me to get a pyschologist because thats actually what i would like to be. id like to help people with their problems when i grow up, only because i feel like ive been though enough that i think i can help people with my own experience. during the 2nd session,  had to tell a story, beginning, middle and an end. before i told my story, i had to say that my story was no where near positive and it dosent have an ending to it. the story i talked about was a girl, who was trapped because there were too many negative things around here, and shes struggling to get to the positive side, where everyone can be happy, and i dont wanna go in detail bc i might just wanna cry, i mean im already crying right now bc my dad keeps tryna call me and im like rejecting it lol, but ya. but another highlight is that i got my banquet dress lolk. my lowlight is probably skipping 2 days of school bc now im way back lol.

Lesson learned, dont forget the difference between your & you're.

practice makes perfect

John doee i just want the john i knowwww! ~~~ LOL thats like my favorite song, well i like the song all in my head from tori kelly its so beast. so this week was full of excitements, sooo on friday, me, laila, korey and mr.ing went to waikele and pearl ridge to buy crowns & tiaras for banquet lol, then we went to fishers to buy banner paper but we failed because it wasnt even there, then we went to paina cafe to eat some bowls!(literally) im joking lol, we ate spicy ahi bowls and stuffyssss. then after we went to the movies to go watch oculus which was not scary at all it basically confuses you to death, then we went to bubbies homemade icecream and it was such a fun day, hopefully we do that again. on saturdayy we had our track meet, i wasnt even prepared for this but like idk, atleast i placed in something. but on my first 400 i did so bad lol, like i dont think i started fast enough and on one of my turns, i did something stupid and turned around and turning around, i saw that i was almost last place and i just thought i should just give up already and towards the end i wasnt even giving it my best already, i thought i was last place but come to find there were 2 more people after me lol woohoo, well after i finished my race i was so mad at myself and i felt like crying but i didnt want to and i had so much anger in me, so i told myself that i better do good on my 4x400, well i did bad because i didnt practice for my race and i totally blame myself for all of this, i ate so much after tho lol, well we placed 3rd on our 4x400, which is good enough for me bc before the race we all planned that we should try being 3rd place hahaha, um today i went to waikele to shop and i got this cute cardigan and i even got and cute tribal crop top, soo yay.

My highlight for this week was on friday, getting to spend a lot of time with mr,ing, korey and laila, i think we shouldve all took one step more into the circle and comfortability, or whatever how you say that hahaha, eating at paina cafe, going movies, and the talks we had in the car on our way home was so funny, we all laughed, especially me, i mean i was spitting on mr.ing the whole time but its okay lol. another highlight for my week was yesterday at the track meet, i had so much fun even tho i wasnt really satisfied with the places i was put in. atleast its the end and now i get my afterschool time free again hahaha but yeaah. another highlight was after mr.ing dropped off me korey and laila we grabbbed my blankets went to the park and had our own fashion show which we called " khrizzella " just like coachella haha, our imaginations were wild.
my last highlight is getting janoskis (:

Lesson for this week, practice makes perfect? lol idk, but i think i wouldve done waay waay better at the track meet with my 400's if i just practiced more, i mean lately ive been getting picked up or i would just sit down on the side and watch everyone practice, plus whenever i do go out to practice, i practice 100's and when i practice my 400's i dont take them serious and i just give up, like i really love running but i guess it gets tiring when you HAVE to run, id rather just run when i want to and like not too hard running kind

Week 32 ❥

helllooo bloggers! sooooooooo like school is such a drag! im having a sleepover with laila and korey right now so ya lol im probably just gonna rush through this blog, this whole day we were outside, having some yolo moments, ya feel? soooo imma talk bout school ugh. period 1 in math, were learning about slopes, like positive, negative, undefined, and zero, which i dont pay attention so i dont even know what its about or how to do it, ugh idk im just dumb.period 2, well we started on our personal display boards, and i hope mines turns out nice, like i honestly dont know what im suppose to put and stuff. period 3, social studies, well we had a vocabulary quiz that everyone literally did bad on but i bombed it so bad omfg, so shame man. period 4, english. in english were learning about the holocaust and i actually know a lot about it except im not interested in learning about it. period 5, well i dont think i even went to period 5 this whole week, hahahaha, it always seems like when me and korey dont go to pe then they do fun things! period 6, well were still learning about planets, and we recently went out to the courtyard and had an ' experiment ' like as if we could tell how far all the planets are compared to eachother.

my highlight of the week was yesterday bc i was laughing and making loads of trouble to mr.ing, like i marked him with the pen, poked his face, and when we were out at track, i was laughing hard and when i sat down, i guess my butt missed the seat? so i almsot fell backwards and i reached my hands out to mr ing as if  i was gonna grab him, but i ended up getting up, and we both got scared and it was just really funny, another highlight is today/tonight bc me korey and laila didnt have a sleepover in a long time so its like we reunited i guess, not really but yeahhhh. and like me and my cousin and josiah and laila and korey were having so much fun outside playing ninja and hide and seek, and we all just played around, and im having fun! Ayyyyy, no low lights this week :) ... that i would like to share.

lesson learned, you are drama! youre drama if youre doing something that stops you from what you HAVE to do, something you gotta do that is important. so if youre doing what youre suppose to and some thing you probably say, someone that comes to mind and it involves problems its DRAMA. so stfu bc youre drama1(x ahahhahaha

You got a friend in me ✿

Practice, practice, and more practice! Is this why Orientation turned out pretty good? I say yes! Although we did make a few mistakes,  but overall i think orientation was good. I think speaking couldve been done better, i mean i wasnt in their spot so i would know how hard it was for them, but during practices i think they did good, and on the first day things were kinda funny but heyyyy its okay! The tour, i think was pretty good, i feel like i rushed a little, i mean i wasnt rushing or anything, but i was the first to come back and finished the tour so it made me think i went too fast, so on the second day i tried taking my time lol. Coming back for the fashion show, i messed up so bad on the first day, i didnt realize april's mic was off when the fashion show started, and i didnt know she was looking at me and tryna signal me to say that her mic was off, until i finally realized " oh hey, why isnt april starting? " i looked up and saw that the song was already on 18 seconds, and so i turned the channel on lol, then just in time, april speaked everything perfectly fine. so wheww, thank you jesus. i learned my lesson, so i made sure everything was fine on the second day.

my highlight for orientation has to be backstage! i mean, i know we shouldnt have played around that much but it was so cute & funny, we all got pretty close, like we closed the door, turned off the lights, huddled around each other and just kept saying " bloody mary " or " candy man " and we would all just laugh when people jumped up a little, there a part when i was on the stairs and april shook the door, so i pretended like i was running up the stairs to make sheila scared but then i hit my back and now i have 2 cuts and a bruise on my back bc of the stupid railing! LOL. my lowlight for orientation is probably not being able to dance with pd 2 during part of your world, like i guess its okay, but dancing with them wouldve been better.

lesson learned, practice makes perfect! lets get real here, we all heard this one before, but you dont practice as much as we did for orientation. we practice EVERYDAY, EVERY lunch. and this is what got us do so good, like imagine if we didnt practice? orientation would be so ugly. lol ya k.

changing without even trying?

so, i dont know if you all noticed but ive changed a lot lately. and i havent tried changing myself purposely but people are telling me that ive changed. it kinda sucks, because i was just getting better with a few things, and then i just changed to the way things shouldnt be and i really messed a lot of things up. whale, this past week ive been feeling pretty insecure around the nights before i sleep and i just think of all my flaws, its kinda messing me up a little, i dont usually think about how ugly i am very often, i mean i think of them but i havent really cried about them every night but now its becoming a routine, and over thinking has been taking more on my mind than being myself, but its whatevers because during the day i just gotta suck it up and make sure nothings wrong. isnt everyone like that? im not doing a goodjob of trying to act normal but idk, you cant help someone who hates theirself. so as much as i hate my step dads guts, ive been forced to ignore him. its pretty hard tryna avoid someone you live with. he usually gives me advice, or sometimes hes the reason why i need advice from others, i dont know whats up with my relationship between me and my family, like me and my mom, we got into a fight in november about aborting me and oh god ever since that happened things arent the same and ive been starting to hate her a little more each and every day, me and my grandparents, well ive began to disrespect them nowa days  i dont know why, i guess im just frustrated at how my family ended up being, and then me and my step cant have one conversation without a fight or one of us yelling at eachother, so yeah, not only am i ruining my relatioship with my family, but im also ruining my relationship with mr.ing, i mean im not trying to but i guess im just messing up, i dont know how to fix things, im not good at that, im  talented at creating problems, but i dont know how to fix problems. sorry for having such a negative summary, but im pretty sad right now and i have a lot on me, my mom has my phone bc i made a tantrum about how she dosent buy me food lol. but whatevs, im feeling super super insecure right now, i dont really know what to talk about besides everything ive been doing wrong this whole week, or just how ive been being lately, i mean ive always been insecure but now im only focused at the problems ive caused and how messed up ive made my life, i mean i have a long way to go still but it kinda sucks that i already know how messed up i made my life become at this age, and none of you guys could text me saying my life isnt ruined because my grandma reminds me everyday whenever i get too close to my stedad, gosshh so much problems. plus i still miss my ex, like lets all get real here and take the moment to say that we are all still young to know about love and relationships, but i really miss my ex, i mean we kinda did a lot with eachother for just being young at this age, he was kinda the one i looked forward to and the reason to why im always so happy, and i think you could say after the day we broke up A LOT changed. i got a lot more sad, and i keep a lot of sad quotes about love on my camera roll, like i aint the type to even take love serious, like i have never cried over love, NEVER. im gonna say that i consider only dating 3 guys, and after 2 of the breakups ive had with the others i didnt cry, but this recent one really got me, im still tryna recover with things bc right now at this moment hes really happy with his new girl, i mean .. we wouldve been a year and few months and how could he just lose that much feelings for a girl he dosent even talk to that much? goddd, im really frustrated, and i need my phone.

lowlight for this week is definitely upsetting mr.ing this week, i didnt mean to change things between us and just when things get good i seem to find a way to mess up and gosh i dont know.a highlight is korey getting her laptop charger bc now we can get back to oovooing. another highlight is probably track because i havent been going lately but im kinda doing good. um, honestly i love running, i have a passion for running but because of having track EVERYDAY it kinda made my lose my passion for running, track is important and i plan on winning our meet, but sometimes i kinda miss being free to go out with my friends bc i havent  seen them lately, what if they forget about me, i mean they always do, but i just dont wanna be the one person they forget about and they cant rely on me anymore, ya feel?

lesson learned, i dont really know about my lesson learned, like i made problems this whole week, and yes i know i should say ive learned from them but i feel like im only gonna make mistakes again this up coming week only bc of my attitude to things lately and just how i feel the night before school and idk, im really frustrated at how ive made things, i cant function. plus if you follow me on twitter you would see how much ive piled up with all the sad pictures, sad tweets, and i cant help but post them bc it helps me relieve the stress and sadness all built up in me.