so, i dont know if you all noticed but ive changed a lot lately. and i havent tried changing myself purposely but people are telling me that ive changed. it kinda sucks, because i was just getting better with a few things, and then i just changed to the way things shouldnt be and i really messed a lot of things up. whale, this past week ive been feeling pretty insecure around the nights before i sleep and i just think of all my flaws, its kinda messing me up a little, i dont usually think about how ugly i am very often, i mean i think of them but i havent really cried about them every night but now its becoming a routine, and over thinking has been taking more on my mind than being myself, but its whatevers because during the day i just gotta suck it up and make sure nothings wrong. isnt everyone like that? im not doing a goodjob of trying to act normal but idk, you cant help someone who hates theirself. so as much as i hate my step dads guts, ive been forced to ignore him. its pretty hard tryna avoid someone you live with. he usually gives me advice, or sometimes hes the reason why i need advice from others, i dont know whats up with my relationship between me and my family, like me and my mom, we got into a fight in november about aborting me and oh god ever since that happened things arent the same and ive been starting to hate her a little more each and every day, me and my grandparents, well ive began to disrespect them nowa days i dont know why, i guess im just frustrated at how my family ended up being, and then me and my step cant have one conversation without a fight or one of us yelling at eachother, so yeah, not only am i ruining my relatioship with my family, but im also ruining my relationship with mr.ing, i mean im not trying to but i guess im just messing up, i dont know how to fix things, im not good at that, im talented at creating problems, but i dont know how to fix problems. sorry for having such a negative summary, but im pretty sad right now and i have a lot on me, my mom has my phone bc i made a tantrum about how she dosent buy me food lol. but whatevs, im feeling super super insecure right now, i dont really know what to talk about besides everything ive been doing wrong this whole week, or just how ive been being lately, i mean ive always been insecure but now im only focused at the problems ive caused and how messed up ive made my life, i mean i have a long way to go still but it kinda sucks that i already know how messed up i made my life become at this age, and none of you guys could text me saying my life isnt ruined because my grandma reminds me everyday whenever i get too close to my stedad, gosshh so much problems. plus i still miss my ex, like lets all get real here and take the moment to say that we are all still young to know about love and relationships, but i really miss my ex, i mean we kinda did a lot with eachother for just being young at this age, he was kinda the one i looked forward to and the reason to why im always so happy, and i think you could say after the day we broke up A LOT changed. i got a lot more sad, and i keep a lot of sad quotes about love on my camera roll, like i aint the type to even take love serious, like i have never cried over love, NEVER. im gonna say that i consider only dating 3 guys, and after 2 of the breakups ive had with the others i didnt cry, but this recent one really got me, im still tryna recover with things bc right now at this moment hes really happy with his new girl, i mean .. we wouldve been a year and few months and how could he just lose that much feelings for a girl he dosent even talk to that much? goddd, im really frustrated, and i need my phone.
lowlight for this week is definitely upsetting mr.ing this week, i didnt mean to change things between us and just when things get good i seem to find a way to mess up and gosh i dont know.a highlight is korey getting her laptop charger bc now we can get back to oovooing. another highlight is probably track because i havent been going lately but im kinda doing good. um, honestly i love running, i have a passion for running but because of having track EVERYDAY it kinda made my lose my passion for running, track is important and i plan on winning our meet, but sometimes i kinda miss being free to go out with my friends bc i havent seen them lately, what if they forget about me, i mean they always do, but i just dont wanna be the one person they forget about and they cant rely on me anymore, ya feel?
lesson learned, i dont really know about my lesson learned, like i made problems this whole week, and yes i know i should say ive learned from them but i feel like im only gonna make mistakes again this up coming week only bc of my attitude to things lately and just how i feel the night before school and idk, im really frustrated at how ive made things, i cant function. plus if you follow me on twitter you would see how much ive piled up with all the sad pictures, sad tweets, and i cant help but post them bc it helps me relieve the stress and sadness all built up in me.
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